Erky & Perky VS The World
by kelloggskid909
Summary: The storming of Auschwitz at the skinny slender hands of our two titular heroes begins a series of cataclysmic, action-packed events, leading to the final battle between our two heroes and Dio Brando.
1. Prologue: An Entrance

**Prologue**

An Entrance

Life.

What is life?

Should we be satisfied with the lives we are given?

Or should we let ambition lead us to things that are greater?

Is success and ownership really more important than your humanity?

These are some of the many questions of life, and you're reading Erky & Perky VS The World!

* * *

Auschwitz, Germany, 1945

It was a cold and bitter morning in the concentration camp. New captives watched in disbelief as lines of prisoners were guided into the gas chambers. The Jews bowed their heads, they were silent. The new prisoners were confused. Why weren't they fighting back, why were they allowing the stern guards to cram them into the room of death? Soon they would realise, that the prisoners accept their fate, not because they want to, but because they are physically unable to object. Soon they would know all too well.

The chambers were crammed full now, it was time. The executioner gazed at them with his cold, Aryan eyes, ready at the lever. To him, he was cleansing the world, preventing pure blood from being tainted by an inferior race, and saving the economy. He raised his arm to the skies, as tribute to his glorious Führer, and lowered it, to begin the delight. The Jews despaired, their lives were about to end.

Suddenly, the guards were assaulted by a thick, blood-red fog. The screams of his colleagues brought tears to the executioner's eyes. No, Hank. He turned around to see two sagging, badass silhouettes. The first one, a well-rounded and slightly below average height, with a smoking machine gun, the second, a tallish, slender figure with twin katanas. Then he heard the well-rounded figure speak: "Hand over the prisoners and no-one gets hurt."


	2. Chapter 1: The End of Hitler's Reign

**Chapter 1**

The End of Hitler's Reign

"Vive spiel Deutschland!" the executioner spouted, showering saliva as he shouted. "Shall we, Erky?" the slender figure questioned with a sharp, almost nasal voice. "Ya didn't even have to ask." The well-rounded figure replied his Scottish accent so exceedingly thick even the German-English negotiator, who was scrambling for cover nearby, experienced difficulty understanding what the figure had said. The executioner reached for the axe he had kept under his desk for the prisoners that survived, but before he could even touch it his body was pumped with 50 rounds from Erky's machine gun. "Better out than in as I always say!" Erky retorted.

Perky then opened the gas chamber, and directed the prisoners to the exit. "Oh my goodness!" Perky exclaimed "Something here **Stinks**!". Suddenly, a green blur whizzed through the horizon, leaving a foul-smelling, green trail of gusty farts. He halted in front of the two friends, almost cowering in their beautiful glory. He gave them a sly smile, revealing his massive teeth. "You called?" he asked them.

"Oh _there_ you are!" Perky stated gleefully "Yes, I'd like you to scout for bad guys. Give us a fartsplosion if you find one!"  
"Can do, Perky" Stinks responded enthusiastically, and sped off around the institution.  
"Now, Perky, don't forget who we've come here to…er...get rid of." Erky reminded  
"Oh, yes, him." Perky admitted  
"Hitler."

Adolf Hitler, the man fuming with hatred, a mind of darkness, observed the sudden disorder from his observation window. He turned to his chief adviser, Bert, who was shaking his head in disappointment. "Mein Führer, it appears we have lost the war." Bert replied, shaking in tears.  
"Nonsense mein yellow friend. Vous bien wrong! Surely mein security guards will sort the issue!" Hitler reassured him.  
"Nien, comrade, I've just heard the news, it's Erky and Perky down there!" Bert told Hitler, before enlarging his pupils and bursting through the roof, ascending into the heavens for when he was next needed. Hitler reacted by screaming "Deutschland!" and shaking his fists angrily. He wondered to himself; who were Erky and Perky, and why did they spell the end for his Reich?

He wandered around his room, pondering, asking himself the same questions over and over again. Why would Bert leave? If Erky & Perky is a code-name for a special-force, why was he not informed? And what's that terrible smell? He scanned across the room for the source, and noticed a malachite, roundish blob with a grotesque face and comical features in front of him, it's jaw dropped. Suddenly, it released a huge fart, so powerful it created a shock-wave that shattered the window, and released a lime and faeces-brown gas into the room. "Nien, ich spiel bien poison gas!" the now panicked and disgusted leader shouted.

Back to our heroes, Erky had burst a hole in the outer walls of the institution, and lead the Jews to their freedom. Once they had a line moving, he returned to Perky to converse. "Erky, do you hear that farting sound? **Stinks** has found something!" Perky happily told him.  
"You called?" Stinks asked, appearing in an instant.  
"God fucking damn it laddie!" Erky swore. Hitler was relieved. The gaseous, green gremlin had disappeared. Was that Erky & Perky? Nein, it didn't make sense.  
"Don't worry guys. I can just lead you there!" Stinks reassured them "Just hold your noses and follow my trail!" And so the group continued on their heroic journey.

They winded around the labyrinth-like concentration-camp, freeing prisoners and killing remaining soldiers.  
"So what did you find Stinks?" Perky wondered naively  
"Oh, I found a strange man with a short moustache in a giant building" Stinks replied. Erky and Perky exchanged concerned glances, but continued on their noble quest because they knew it was their duty.

Finally, there were no more prisoners to liberate, and no more soldiers to slay, and in front of them lay a tall, twisting tower, seeping with villainy, with a room at the very top exposed to the outside by a smashed window, the mark of Stinks. "Well, this is it fellas, this is what I came to show you" Stinks said shrinking away.  
"Oh no you don't!' Perky exclaimed "Remember, your curse isn't broken yet"  
"And only we know how to break it!" Erky reminded him  
"Alright, I'll trail behind." Stinks concluded defeatedly.  
As they entered the tower a soldier in shining Nazi armour leapt at them, only to be sliced in three with Perky's katanas.  
"Great job there Perky!" Erky complimented  
"Thanks!"

So they continued climbing up the tower, defeating Nazi soldiers, Erky shooting, Perky slicing and Stinks farting. Finally they had reached the top, and a hulking, musclebound Nazi soldier emerged from the ceiling.  
"Perky, you defeat him, I'll go for the big H" Erky proposed to Perky  
"Right!" Perky affirmed, scrunching his face up to conceal his disappointment in not being able to defeat Hitler with Erky together. Erky smashed, through the door, charging in, holding his machine gun tightly. Perky teleported behind the 'roided Nazi soldier and muttered "Nuthin'...Personnel, Kid!", slicing the soldier's arm off. Stinks merely shrunk into a corner and observed in awe.

"Alright Hitler, it's time to end your rein of terrorr!" Erky spouted. But immediately after his words of confidence he realised that this wasn't Hitler's room.  
"Oh wow, that ischt a big gun you have there!"  
That sleazy voice came from the woman standing in front of Erky, who had browning-blondish hair and was wearing tight-fitting green-and-brown clothing. The room was dull, with fading wallpaper, a grey floor, and two separate, plain beds. This woman was staring at Erky more intently, with an element of lust in her eyes.  
"Do you vant to show me more of your bad boy?"

image is saII2LH dot pee en gee (on emger)

Hitler could hear strange noises deriving from the other rooms. Could it be Eva? Nein, it would merely be excess gas in the vents. Though he did hear furious swipes in the air. Perhaps it was one of his many incompetent soldier hoodlums fooling around with a weapon, or trying to swat a fly. Schiezer, why had all the good soldiers escaped Germany and joined the American forces? Didn't they realise Germany was the greatest superpower? He remembered, when he was a young schpidaling in school, his classmates didn't understand his burning ambition, and rather tormented him for it, particularly the Jews. But in high school he had campaigned for student council, and used his powers to segregate the classes. He got himself the hottest girl in the school as his girlfriend, and made all the student heil him in assembly. But that hadn't been enough. It only expanded his need for domination. A desire which progressively lead him to his position now.

Perky had finally finished hacking away at the now helpless bulky Nazi soldier.  
"See you in hell," Perky quipped epically "Rebel dude!"  
The Nazi soldier had now been seperated by his particles, which were strewn across the stairs. However, his particles were linked by a neuro-network, and he was still conscious, left to die by particle deterioration. " I wonder how Erky's going?" Perky wondered, turning his gaze to the door in front of him. He examined the door, for this door represented a new step for Perky. He was leaping to great heights of heroism, and this door was the entrance towards the final showdown, which would ultimately define the rest of his life. It would bring him to one of his greatest moments in his life. What material was it made out of, anyway?

Suddenly, several bullets fired through Hitler's door and smashed the giant observation window in front of him, startling him. Ah, was that Erky & Perky? Erky stood their, triumphantly, for his manhood had just been exercised. "Are you Erky & Perky?" Hitler asked him  
"One of them!" Erky replied confidently, taking another look at the beauty of the girl he had just stolen from Hitler, from behind the door. Now that Erky could see Hitler in the flesh (and he would soon be seeing Hitler's flesh, but not in the same manner he saw Eva's flesh) he realised that he (Hitler) was shorter than in the photographs. Perhaps he had Napoleon Syndrome (A syndrome in this universe, which was originally our universe, in which public figures such a Napoleon are depicted taller in media than in real life). "In fact, he's even shorter than _me_!" is what Erky would be thinking if he wasn't feeling so tall. "As you can see, Hitler, I've found a real man!" Eva told them, entering the room covered only by the greyish-green sheets of her bed, and stroking Erky's bulging belly. Erky giggled.

Hitler could not believe ich eye's. "Mein vife ich been stolen by that...bug!" Hitler thought. He felt betrayed. His highschool sweat-heart had given her virginity away for a morbidly-proportioned, ambiguously-specied insect.  
"Cuck!" Erky taunted joyfully, tears streaming down Hitler's face.  
"What ichst this new emotion I am feelingch?" Hitler asked in despair. Then he realised. This new emotion he was feeling. It was sadness. It was pain. It was misery. All that pent up anger, his whole life, was for nothing. And his dictatorship would soon be destroyed by Erky and Perky, though he didn't realise this at the time, because he was too stupid.

"Hmm, yes. This craftsmanship is definitely from the 19th century, or, at least, inspired by that period." Perky concluded to himself. He was still examining the door. Hitler knew he only had one more thing left to do. He pressed the button concealed under his arm-band, and began to change.  
"What's happenin' to him?" Erky asked Eva  
"Oh, nein! Very nein! He ischt changing unto his final form!"  
"Ahahahahahahaha!" Hitler laughed maniacally "Behold, my final form! I am the peak of the human race! German science is the best in all the world!".  
Hitler tore his pants off, revealing a long mechanical cannon.  
"Ich. Vy didn't you show me how long your cannon was before!" Eva complained  
"Wow Hitler, you really stink!" Erky insulted, though unbeknownst to him, these would be his final words, for just after those lines, he was shot by Hitler's enormous pelvic artillery.

"Well, the maker of this door probably _was_ on antidepressants at the time," Perky considered "But I better go check on Erky."  
Perky opened the door just in time to see Hitler blow a massive hole in Erky's chest in the next room.  
"Noooooo!" Perky cried as he watched his only friend be killed. He rushed over to Hitler's observation room, ignoring the fascination doors he was passing.  
"I've done it!" Hitler annonced, gleaming with pride "I've killed Erky!  
"You're still a cuck, though." Eva stated.  
Then Hitler swallowed a poison pill, and threw one in Eva's mouth, too. Hitler then succumbed to the effects of the poison and collapsed, causing himself to plummet onto the ground below, killing him on impact. Perky rushed over to his friends aide.  
"Erky!" Perky roared "You're going to be alright!"  
"I...urgh!" Erky uttered, breathing his last breaths. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Perky exclaimed, with such passion it ruptured his abdomen, and caused a spiritual explosion so strong it was felt by all magic users around the world

"Errr, excuse me, ya? I unt dying fro the poison ya." Eva reminded Perky.  
"Oh no! What are we going to do?" Perky questioned the universe, frightened. The universe presented an answer to his pleas, in the form of the item in Erky's hand. It was a SENSU BEAN! Perky hurriedly tossed it in Eva's mouth, and she was instantly cured, and she could walk better now, too. Perky looked over at the concentration camp, and at the Jewish prisoners, trudging through the surrounding desert. This was Erky's legacy. He then cut his own arm off, both as punishment for his mistakes and to quell the grief he was feeling. He made Erky a grave in the desert, with his final words inscribed:

image is 1h6YFej dot pee en gee (on emger)


	3. Chapter 3: Eric and Dylan meet Erichër

**Chapter 2**

Erichër Joins the Story - or - Eric and Dylan meet Erichër

Columbine, America, 1999

It was April 20th, and on this fateful day Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, two depressed loners fed up with the world shot up their school, killing hundreds of innocent teens. On this particular morning, no-one knew of the horror that was about to unfold. What they were talking about, however, was the spunky new German exchange student, Erichër Brelltine. This strange new student, the only one ever to be an insect, already had lines of girls following him, tugging at his black vest. But he just ignored them and continued smoking his cigarette inside, like a badass. He was used to this. The main reason he had signed up for the exchange program was to get away from the annoying girls at his German high school, but it seemed they were everywhere. He stroked his handsome face, and wondered. Something about today just didn't seem right, and he had been tense all morning. He disregarded his concerns, and just kept on strutting. Then the first shots were fired.

The two menacing boys fired maliciously, killing anyone they saw. The halls were being strewn with bloody corpses. The opened classrooms, and fired into them. Crowds raced for all exits, but the boys chased them down. Then they headed to the library, where they knew many would be hiding. The girls hid behind Erichër, they knew he would protect them with his firm, luscious muscles, bulging through his traditional school uniform, which was underneath his vest, of course. Erichër began travelling to the library, but knew he could take his time, as if he was motivated to go there, then the two boys were already dead. He could hear muffled breathing as he passed lockers. He yelled to them "You can get out now, ya! I'm here!". The teens scurried out of their lockers and headed for the front exit.

Eric and Dylan checked under tables, and behind bookshelves, and they killed a few students, but they knew there were many more in there who were hiding. So they took a step back, and began firing around the room. They sighed, no-one was here. Plus they could already hear police sirens. They turned to each other. Perhaps it was time they just ended their lives already. There was an eep from above them. Devilish grins spread on their faces. The teens weren't hiding _in_ the room, they were hiding in the ceiling. Just as they tilted their guns up to the ceiling, Erichër entered the room, cheered on by a sea of girls.  
"Who are you? Who in the face are you?" Eric questioned him  
"I'm Erichër!" he stated proudly, pointing to himself with his thumb "And you better drop your vepons right now! Ya?"  
"Bummer." Eric told him "If you were a Nazi we would have spared you. Natural selection is totally our thing."  
Eric, smirking, shot Erichër and the girls screamed as he fell to the ground with a hole in his abdomen so deep you could see through it. Hold on, that didn't make sense! One of the girls, prone to fainting, had collapsed. But on further examination they realised that she had fallen because she was dead, with a bullet through he chest. She had been the closest to Erichër at the time. Erichër rose up, laughing, and flexed his "bullet-hole" so it was the size of a baseball. The he lunged it forward, and it swallowed Eric, churned him around, crushing his bones, and ejected him at Dylan at a speed so fact it killed him on impact.

The girls cheered, except for the one that was dead, and they picked Erichër up and carried him around. He stretched his out and removed a panel from the ceiling, allowing him to pull all the student hiding there onto the ground. He was a hero, and made international headlines. In fact, Erichër's victory overshadowed the actual shooting itself. Though Erichër wanted nothing to do with his newfound fame, he had to admitt that the sudden publicity was changing his life for the better. He was wealthier, from royalties, he had a girlfriend now, which meant that all the other girls stopped following him, and he and his mother were happier. But things were about to change.

* * *

Dio Brando sat on his favourite rocking chair, and turned to where he last left off in the Qur'an.  
"Ah, this book's rubbish! It's absolutely terrible! I have a sudden urge to let everyone know how mad this book is, and how glad I am for reading it without performing the proper rituals first!" Dio ranted, dumping the book in the trash "Now then, how about some proper literature!"  
Enya handed Dio a newspaper, trembling at his might  
"What's this? German exchange student Erichër Brelltine saves students at Columbine? What the fuck is a Columbine?" Dio swore, confused at modern terms  
"It says here he used mysterious strength to defeat the two shooters, what?! Could he have, a stand?"  
"I don't know" Enya replied uninvitedly.  
"Shut up! I didn't ask you!" Dio shouted, bitch-slapping her so hard her son felt it.  
"Perhaps," Enya suggested, coughing up blood on the floor "That it would be wise for master Dio to look him up on the world wide web."  
"That's a great idea, Dio. If Enyaba had thought of it she would have redeemed herself"  
Dio picked-up his iPad and searched for Erichër.  
"It says here he's the son of the great war hero Erky Belltin" Dio stated "Who's that?"  
"I don't know, try that Wikipedia"  
"Wow," Dio exclaimed "That's a great idea I've just come up with! Let's see what it brings!"

 _Erky Perky_

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 _ **Erky Perky**_ is the nickname for an Australian/Canadian war-hero group who defeated Hitler. The group had two main members, Erky and Perky, who lived at a hot dog stand, for 5 years, but were accidentally taken to a house. Two bugs, the Scottish-accented Erky, and his friend, the cowardly and impressionable Perky, lived an idyllic life on a downtown hot dog stand, a cornucopia of crumbs, relish and wieners. They lived the high life until one day they were swept away in a take-out bag and ended up in a sterile suburban kitchen with no food in sight. The two glorious bugs were forced to survive in the new and scary "Land of Kitchen". Every day, they were obsessed with finding food, and eventually found their way home to "Hot Dog Stand". They lived there again for 3 years, until they grew tired of achieving nothing, and decided to join the war effort.

"It says here Hitler killed Erky with a long-schlong bullet-cannon, whatever the hell that is!" Dio announced "And I suppose Erichër is the son of Erky and Eva."  
"However," Dio returned to his train of though "I still don't know if this is a stand ability, we'll have to send someone their to test his abilities. Can you send someone, Enya?"  
"Yes, of course, for you, lord Dio!"

* * *

Erichër said goodbye to his lovely mother as he walked out the door of their expensive home and to the school bus. Everyone on the bus bowed their heads in respect. His best friend, Tyler Ternius, who was the first person he had saved, spoke:  
"Hey Erichër, whom's your girlfriend now?" he asked  
"Ich, I only ave ad one girlvriend! Her name is Veronica!" Erichër replied, offended  
"Yeah, I s'pose her name's pretty easy for you to pronounce! AHEHEHE!"  
"Shut ze vuck up!"  
This was a new side to Erichër that Tyler had never seen before, a sensitive side that confused Tyler so much that he began vigorously stroking the thick, black, dark, chocolate, african, negro skin on his forehead.

The bus stopped with a halt, and the student kept piling out at the door. Erichër and Tyler were the last ones out. Tyler thanked the bus driver, a 50 year old man named Phil, and the two stepped off. They began walking to the school's entrance when they were stopped by a shadowy figure in a trenchcoat.  
"Oh no, not another one ov you shooters!" Erichër complained  
"I'm not a school shooter!" the figure explained in a coarse voice, then disappeared.  
Tyler looked around, amazed and confused. Where could that strange person be. Erichër gritted his teeth. That man could be anywhere, doing anything, and he was just helpless. He hated being in that position.  
"Behind you."


End file.
